What is a Highly Sensitive Child?

If you have never heard the term Highly Sensitive Child (HSC), you may be living with one and not even know it. According to psychologist and author Dr. Elaine Aron, around twenty percent of children are born with nervous systems that are highly aware and quick to react. These perceptive kids are very responsive to their environments. While there are no set criteria for being a HSC, most share some common traits. Highly Sensitive Children are often:

More emotional: They tend to feel their emotions and the distress of others more deeply. They may become defensive easily when parents give feedback about their behaviors or try to help with something they are struggling with. A stern look or a firm voice from an adult may cause them to shut down, reduce them to tears or lead to an argument. They may become overwhelmed by stress easily.

Emotional sensitivity: Being more emotional can cause HSC to take everything personally, especially when feeling stressed or overwhelmed. Sensitive children can get emotionally wounded more easily. They are often very sensitive to criticism or rejection (real or perceived).

Sensory sensitivity: They may be more sensitive to loud noises, harsh lights, itchy fabric or certain smells like perfumes in household products. Being in groups can be both fun and stressful for Highly Sensitive Children. You can serve as an anchor for your child when you notice they are becoming overly stimulated.

Deep processors: Highly Sensitive Children tend to overthink. Processing what happened that day or ruminating about the past, can make it difficult for them to fall asleep at night. Journaling can be helpful for releasing thoughts.

Struggle with change: They may have a hard time adjusting to new environments and when plans change. Change may cause them to become irritable, anxious or moody. Sensitive teens may try to cope with major changes, like graduating from high school, by shutting down and avoiding responsibilities.

Hard on themselves: They hold themselves to high standards. This can lead to loss of motivation and giving up when faced with a task they have not mastered yet. They may beat themselves up about making someone they care about unhappy, as they are very sensitive to perceived disapproval from others. They may also have a hard time letting go of past mistakes.

Easily overwhelmed: They tend to become overwhelmed when faced with too many demands or assignments at once. Getting behind in school can lead to increased stress, anxiety and depression. It is important for more sensitive youth to get enough downtime to replenish, relax and have fun. Exercising is also a great release for stress and tension. Parents can provide support by helping them learn time management and organizational skills.

Worries and fears: They may worry about things that are out of their control, such as the death of a loved one and natural disasters. Younger sensitive children may be afraid of being alone in a dark room at night. Teens may worry about their face turning red in front of others, school, friendships ending and their future.

Intelligent and creative: They may pick up on things that other children do not notice. They can also be very curious, inquisitive, creative and artistic. Visual and performing arts are a great outlet for intense emotions and thoughts for some.

Shy or introverted: Highly Sensitive Children tend to be more cautious and need to hang back to get the lay of the land before jumping in. They may be shy around new people and prefer to have a few close friends. They often need a break from the busyness of life, especially after a particularly social day. They tend to absorb the emotions and energy of others and can become drained after being around a lot of people - or certain people. However, some Highly Sensitive People are more extroverted.

Love animals: Highly Sensitive Children tend to have a lot of empathy and this causes them to be natural caregivers. They often develop a special bond with animals and may be very attentive to the needs of pets.

Intuitive and observant: They may have a keen sense of observation and can read people well. They may know when something feels off or someone is untrustworthy.

Well-behaved: They are often well-behaved, especially at school, because they don't want to draw unwanted attention to themselves. However, they may have a meltdown when they get home as a way to release suppressed stress and emotions. They may try to blame you for somehow making them upset, when it had nothing to do with you.

Highly empathic: They may experience the feelings of others or become deeply affected by injustices and cruelty. Empathy is a very important quality of effective leadership, which we need more of in our world. Highly Sensitive People are often successful teachers, counselors, social workers, medical professionals, healers, business owners, artists, musicians and IT professionals.

Tips for Parenting Highly Sensitive Children:

Parenting a more sensitive child can be challenging at times. You may find yourself avoiding known triggers, like asking your child to meet certain expectations, in order to prevent an episode of emotional reactivity or shutdown. Here are some ways to decrease tension and conflict and create more peace and calm in your home.

Know your child’s triggers: Not feeling listened to and/or understood is a big trigger for many sensitive children. Try your best to listen and stay calm/neutral when your child is expressing their perspective and concerns. If you know your child's triggers, you can provide extra support and help them feel more prepared when known stressors are unavoidable - or necessary for growth. You can also remind them of times when they were reluctant to try something new and ended up having a great time. Working through fears calmly and lovingly helps children gain confidence.

Exploring feelings, concerns and stressors: Sensitive children usually have a lot to say, especially to the person they trust most. Getting them to open up is the key to figuring out what is causing their distress. They may need you to help them identify and understand their overwhelming and confusing emotions at times.

You may not be able to understand why your child is feeling the way they are, but this is not necessary. Just acknowledge and validate their feelings without judgement. This is not the same as agreeing with their perspective. You can also help them understand what triggered them and let them know their feelings are acceptable. It can help to reflect your child's disappointment when they don't get something they really wanted or lose something they care about.

Don’t react immediately: Sensitive children are usually very aware they have messed up without parental input and they usually want to please others. Reminding your child that we all make mistakes and they are not expected to have all the skills needed in life at their age, will help ease the guilt and shame they may be feeling. During difficult conversations, it helps to remind them you are on their side and here to support them. Remind your child of what they are doing well when you have to remind them of expectations. Be sure to point out any progress you have noticed and let them know you are proud of them.

Discipline gently: All children need parents to set limits when necessary, but more sensitive children will respond better if you approach them gently. Once you and your child are calm, you can discuss what happened and ways to tackle a similar situation differently next time. It is also best to avoid taking away all privileges at once and to involve them in coming up with agreed upon consequences. For example, before they go out with friends, calmly discuss what the outcome will be if they get home late again. Incentive plans may also support your child with getting through difficult periods.

Avoid telling them to "toughen up”: This will give your child the message that their needs and feelings don't matter and should not be expressed. This can lead to increased anxiety and depression. Their insecurities need to be handled gently, privately and calmly. Help your child cope with difficult situations by giving them the right tools.

When distressed, they may burst into tears and not understand why. Crying is sometimes an uncontrollable reaction to expressing their feelings and feeling frustrated or overwhelmed. Again, validate their feelings by talking to them instead of telling them to calm down. Sit down, take some deep breaths, and then explore what is bothering them without judging. Sometimes they may need to be alone until they feel more in control of their emotions before talking.

Stay calm. You are not expected to be perfect at this, but your child needs you to help regulate their nervous system. This may be challenging at times if you're also highly sensitive because your child's distress affects you more deeply. Highly Sensitive Children are usually very attuned to their parents. If they sense you are upset or stressed, they will often react emotionally. They may become argumentative and need more of your attention. It is important for parents to model self-regulation, co-regulation and regular self-care for children.

Focus on strengths: Embrace your child's sensitivity, empathy and compassion. Sensitive children are often talented and gifted. If your child is good at math, sports or art, focus on that. If they excel in music, try piano lessons.

One-on-one time: Your child may need more 1:1 time with a parent or trusted adult. Try to carve out time to spend together. Just ten minutes a day of you focusing only on them and really listening can make a big difference.

Help your child relax: Some ways to help your child relax and decompress are: relaxation breathing and grounding techniques, physical exercise, reading a book, making art, listening to music, playing with the family pet and being outside in the yard and nature. Highly Sensitive People function best when they practice regular self-care.

Is Your Highly Sensitive Child Having Fears or Anxiety?

Highly Sensitive Children tend to feel everything deeply and they can absorb the stress and emotions of others. Emotions can get trapped and create imbalance in a child’s body. If your child is struggling with anxiety, sleep issues, school avoidance, fears or distractibility, trapped emotions may be contributing. Emotion Code™ is a safe and gentle way to identify and release energetic imbalances for children.

Parents can also help their children practice grounding and calming skills when needed. Exercising, eating healthy and getting enough sleep and downtime are also good ways to lower anxiety. Family Therapy is a supportive way of addressing concerns because the highly sensitive child is not being singled our - and the whole family works together to increase positive connection in the home.